The 2011 Super Bowl halftime show was put on by the Black Eyed
TRONs Peas. Here’s the video:
I’ll give you the highlights:
0:08: The Black Eyed
TRONs Peas are lowered onto the stage, seemingly from nowhere. The TV feed, conveniently, doesn’t show where exactly they’re lowered down from. Maybe this is why they had the roof closed.
0:14: Obviously, they pulled every fan from the stands that happened to be wearing all white that day and let them run onto the field for the show. They would never have a staged audience. Would they?
0:59: Fergie starts in with “I know that we’ll have a ball…” but her mic isn’t on. Your mighty tape delay can’t save that one, FOX! The audio guy must just dislike her, because her mic is normal within two seconds. Imagine having that kind of power. “Hahaha, you’re going to sound bad and every lame-o blogger on the internet is going to trash you!”
1:44: Boom Boom Boom, with glowing green arrows on the field for no apparent reason.
1:51: Our first appearance of the TRON outfits. But they look like what you would get if you put lights onto lederhosen.
2:25 It sounds like Fergie is saying “Bum bum bum” instead of “boom boom boom”.
3:04: Can’t you make a better circle than that?
3:12: That awful, completely uninspired rap section ends, and all four of them are guilty. Were they singing about water buffalo? The GDP of Turkmenistan? They sounded like they really didn’t care at all.
3:13: Although the rap has stopped, Fergie’s high notes begin. *shudder* She’s screaming/belting and paying zero attention to the key that the song is in. The Black Eyed
TRONs Peas are melting down. So is my brain.
3:39: And who comes to save the day? Slash, playing the riff from Sweet Child o’ Mine!
3:53: Fergie starts to grind on Slash for no apparent reason. Can’t you just see him being like “come on, I’m playing guitar here! I’m playing the freaking Super Bowl Halftime Show! Leave me alone!”
3:58: Fergie starts an out-of-tune rendition of Sweet Child o’ Mine, complete with a fake accent. My ears are beginning to throb.
4:38: What were those words she said? She’s slurring her words together. Is she drunk?
4:48: Fergie resumes her assault on Slash, throwing her hands onto him. He doesn’t even flinch.
5:40: After nearly a minute of nothing that’s worth a comment, we see these break-dancing trumpet players on stage. Where’d they come from? And where do they find them?
6:29: They start with that “everybody…everybody…get stupid” song. Behind the tempo and all. Somebody’s doing a good job of getting stupid. Good heavens, there’s still six minutes in this video. I don’t know if I can do it.
7:21: No wait, it’s Usher to save the day! Usher and Slash…Slusher? I’m calling them the Black Eyed (Slusher) Peas from now on.
7:27: You only see it for a second, but Usher’s hand gets caught in the chain that he held while being flown in from the ceiling. Murphy just called, and wants to know how his Law is doing.
8:44: The Usher split, after he vaults over will.i.am. That should be the only time I ever type that sentence in my life. Actually, I don’t mind Usher’s performance- it’s obvious that he’s lip syncing but I don’t care. At least the vocals sound decent.
8:59: The infamous “lo(v)e” sign. When I asked my students about the halftime show, this was the first thing they mentioned. Unfortunately, this segues into a bland, uninspired rendition of “Where is the Love.” I’m not a big rap fan, but I actually liked this song when it first came out. No more, Black Eyed Slusher Peas. No more. They boiled it down to singing in octaves, and they still can’t sing it in tune. Come on.
9:40: The Black Eyed (Slusher) Peas change the lyrics to their song to deliver their political message. We all know that the BE(S)Ps are very politically charged, and we see further evidence here. Here are the lyrics:
“In America we need to get things straight/Obama, let’s get these kids educated/Create jobs so the country stays stimulated/This is dedicated to all the (inaudible, thanks to Fergie screaming again)”
10:00: Are those harmonies that Fergie is trying to sing, or is she just yelling? I actually can’t tell.
10:46: We start that song that is a rip-off of Dirty Dancing. How do you think Jennifer Grey feels about this? Remember on Dancing with the Stars, where she gets teary-eyed over Patrick Swayze and all the good times they had together? Wait, did I just admit that I watched DWTS? Damn.
10:59: See the box-head in the background? This, combined with the fake electronic sound, makes me think we’re on Mars. Maybe we are. Maybe they enjoy out-of-tune performances there.
11:39: We get the recapitulation (there’s a word for you, music majors!) of “I Got a Feeling,” and now they’re just talking. Like they’re having a normal, every day conversation about their pets.
12:30: Mercifully, this abomination of a halftime show is over. How does one get to be on the selection committee for next year’s Halftime Show? Judging by this year’s talent, it doesn’t seem to be that hard.
Scores, just for fun:
Tone quality: 6/10
Total score: 23/50.
Hey, it was better than Christina’s score. Funny thing is that if you combine their scores, they still don’t have 50 points.